Man. Scientifically known as hornus gruntus, his natural habitat resides near food and women. He leads a simple life, foraging for Doritos, casual sex and beer. His common behaviour includes scratching his nether regions, exchanging flatulence with others, and competing in any and every competition possible. Like a moth is attracted to light, man has an intense obsession with breasts, and women will often use this to their advantage. This guide will shed light on the amazing assortment of women’s hairy counterparts in the Cape Town region.
“In order to find the right guy for you, it’s important to identify the different kinds and then figure out which one suits your personality”, says Jaime*, an expert serial dater. “Once you find your type, dating becomes easy and man-watching is the best game ever”.
Also known as “Chinas in the vaabs”. Donning a wifebeater, mullet and slops (even in winter), he enjoys fist-pumping to DJ Tiesto, playing rugby, and shouting at the television. He is happiest with a beer in hand, at the jol, with his muscular arm around a doll. Marcus*, an avid rugby player says that boychies “are nice okes, but they can escalate to aggression when their team has lost a game, the braai is kak , or their doll has found a new Boychie. They love the tunes on 5fm.”
The Rich Boy
Victoria*, a wealthy friend, claims that she is an expert on the rich boy. He is found among the most exclusive areas such as Bishopscourt and Camps Bay. He wears designer clothing, drives an expensive car and always smells good. Victoria claims that Rich Boys enjoy spending their time pretending to be interested in conversations with other rich people, whilst listening to Cafe’ Del Mar. They spend their time spray tanning, sitting by the pool and partying in ZAR. “Rich boys find it easy to find mates due to their wealth”, says Victoria, “which is just as well, because they often have small willies.” I sense that Victoria is holding a grudge.
The recluse emo is hard to spot and his dark coat blends into the night. He likes to sit in his room and listen to sad, angry screaming music, whilst writing poetry on MySpace about how sucky life is. When he is up to being social, you can spot him in dingy bars and at gigs. Emo’s acquire mates through being in a band, often crappy, where you can’t even hear the vocalist over the rest of the tragic music ensemble, but you can see his mascara-stained emo tears glisten in the lighting, which drives the ladies crazy.
These awkward, self-conscious men have limited social skills, but they are often sweet, placid creatures. They hide in dim, computer-lit dens, spending their time studying, killing at online games and laughing at YouTube videos of cats dancing to electro. They often become vastly wealthy due to their characteristically high intellect, and will then attract the attention of beautiful women which the other breeds of men could only dream of.
There is a hipster stronghold at the University of Cape Town. A hipster man listens to indie bands and wears pants tight enough to permanently maim his own genitals. He makes it very clear that he is an individual and hates anything “mainstream”, and favours exactly the same clothes and music as all the other Hipsters. He is happiest in a coffee shop, taking photos of pigeons and what he had for breakfast with his iPhone.
There are many stoner males in Cape Town due to its relaxed environment and vast supply of good “vegetation”. These men have generous amounts of hair and smell earthy. Stoners are social creatures and will start up a conversation with anybody they meet, including trees and other inanimate objects. Outdoor trance festivals are their natural breeding grounds. Stoner males are often in relationships- not necessarily because they want to commit, but because they are too “mellowed out” to tell the girl otherwise.
Cape Town is rife with this particular strain of male. Taking on the appearance of any other kind, the Douchebag camouflages himself as he hunts his prey. His life purpose is to sweep a girl off her feet and promise her the world, and then break her heart with no warning or reason. The only hope for women is that, if a man reveals himself to be a douchebag, she should forget his sorry ass.
The Nice Guy
The Nice Guy is a rare natural phenomenon and it is considered a great achievement if any man-watcher happens to spot one! These men are kind, thoughtful creatures that can make you laugh, call you beautiful and are actually happy with committing. They will remember your birthday, take you out and make you feel special. Unfortunately, these men are often disguised as your friend/ neighbour/ guy at work, making it easy to friendzone them and fall into the arms of a douchebag.
So there you have it: a complete guide to the males of Cape Town. Now that you are educated on this entertaining species, go out there and find yourself a man!
…but if you come across a Nice Guy – back off bitch, he’s mine.