A Comprehensive Guide to Men in the Cape Town Region



Man. Scientifically known as hornus gruntus, his natural habitat resides near food and women. He leads a simple life, foraging for Doritos, casual sex and beer. His common behaviour includes scratching his nether regions, exchanging flatulence with others, and competing in any and every competition possible. Like a moth is attracted to light, man has an intense obsession with breasts, and women will often use this to their advantage. This guide will shed light on the amazing assortment of women’s hairy counterparts in the Cape Town region.


“In order to find the right guy for you, it’s important to identify the different kinds and then figure out which one suits your personality”, says Jaime*, an expert serial dater. “Once you find your type, dating becomes easy and man-watching is the best game ever”.


The Boychie

Also known as “Chinas in the vaabs”. Donning a wifebeater, mullet and slops (even in winter), he enjoys fist-pumping to DJ Tiesto, playing rugby, and shouting at the television. He is happiest with a beer in hand, at the jol, with his muscular arm around a doll. Marcus*, an avid rugby player says that boychies “are nice okes, but they can escalate to aggression when their team has lost a game, the braai is kak , or their doll has found a new Boychie. They love the tunes on 5fm.”

The Rich Boy

Victoria*, a wealthy friend, claims that she is an expert on the rich boy. He is found among the most exclusive areas such as Bishopscourt and Camps Bay. He wears designer clothing, drives an expensive car and always smells good. Victoria claims that Rich Boys enjoy spending their time pretending to be interested in conversations with other rich people, whilst listening to Cafe’ Del Mar. They spend their time spray tanning, sitting by the pool and partying in ZAR. “Rich boys find it easy to find mates due to their wealth”, says Victoria, “which is just as well, because they often have small willies.” I sense that Victoria is holding a grudge.




 The Emo

The recluse emo is hard to spot and his dark coat blends into the night. He likes to sit in his room and  listen to sad, angry screaming music, whilst writing poetry on MySpace about how sucky life is. When he is up to being social, you can spot him in dingy bars and at gigs. Emo’s acquire mates through being in a band, often crappy, where you can’t even hear the vocalist over the rest of the tragic music ensemble, but you can see his mascara-stained emo tears glisten in the lighting, which drives the ladies crazy.

The Nerd

These awkward, self-conscious men have limited social skills, but they are often sweet, placid creatures. They hide in dim, computer-lit dens, spending their time studying, killing at online games and laughing at YouTube videos of cats dancing to electro. They often become vastly wealthy due to their characteristically high intellect, and will then attract the attention of beautiful women which the other breeds of men could only dream of.

The Hipster

There is a hipster stronghold at the University of Cape Town. A hipster man listens to indie bands and wears pants tight enough to permanently maim his own genitals. He makes it very clear that he is an individual and hates anything “mainstream”, and favours exactly the same clothes and music as all the other Hipsters. He is happiest in a coffee shop, taking photos of pigeons and what he had for breakfast with his iPhone.

The Stoner

There are many stoner males in Cape Town due to its relaxed environment and vast supply of good “vegetation”. These men have generous amounts of hair and smell earthy. Stoners are social creatures and will start up a conversation with anybody they meet, including trees and other inanimate objects. Outdoor trance festivals are their natural breeding grounds. Stoner males are often in relationships- not necessarily because they want to commit, but because they are too “mellowed out” to tell the girl otherwise.

The Douchebag

Cape Town is rife with this particular strain of male. Taking on the appearance of any other kind, the Douchebag camouflages himself as he hunts his prey. His life purpose is to sweep a girl off her feet and promise her the world, and then break her heart with no warning or reason. The only hope for women is that, if a man reveals himself to be a douchebag, she should forget his sorry ass.




The Nice Guy

The Nice Guy is a rare natural phenomenon and it is considered a great achievement if any man-watcher happens to spot one! These men are kind, thoughtful creatures that can make you laugh, call you beautiful and are actually happy with committing. They will remember your birthday, take you out and make you feel special. Unfortunately, these men are often disguised as your friend/ neighbour/ guy at work, making it easy to friendzone them and fall into the arms of a douchebag.

So there you have it: a complete guide to the males of Cape Town. Now that you are educated on this entertaining species, go out there and find yourself a man!

…but if you come across a Nice Guy – back off bitch, he’s mine.


How many more women must die before South Africa takes a stand?

Recently, South Africa heard the disturbing news of a 17-year old girl dying after being gang raped and mutilated near her home in Bredarsdorp. The perpetrators, one of which is allegedly her ex-boyfriend, slit her neck, cut her from her stomach down to her genitals, and left her for dead with her intestines lying in the dirt. This story is disgusting by any standard, but what makes it even more tragic is South Africa’s lukewarm response in comparison to a similar crime that took place in India in December, which was followed by national outrage.

South Africa has grown so used to hearing reports of violent crimes, particularly those perpetrated against women, that it has grown largely apathetic. The media has a responsibility to cover what little outrage there is, so as to encourage it further.

All three articles in this analysis are hard news (Deahl, 2010). An article by The Daily Maverick entitled “The agony of South Africa’s daughter Anene Booysen. The agony of South Africa,” perfectly portrays South Africa’s growing apathy. The headline highlights the metaphor that this crime aligns with the abuse and neglect that South African women are subjected to everyday. Its powerful kicker reminds the reader that, though South Africa knows the shame of this event, it is so used to the weak being violated by the more powerful that it ‘chose’ not to stand up. The structure (Nielson, 1997) is in the form of an inverted pyramid, covering the “5 W’s and H”, starting with the most vital information.

The article uses BBC News as its first source, which is successful in supporting its claims that South Africa’s outrage has been dwarfed by that of India’s. Unfortunately, it also uses quotes from the SABC and Die Burger to explain the nature of her attack, which can be considered ‘lazy journalism’. However, the rest of the sources are both credible and valuable, as it seeks perspectives on violent crime from President Jacob Zuma, the ANC Women’s League and the President of the International Union of Psychological Science.

The ideological framing (Scheufele, 2000: 297-316) of this article coincides with equalitarian and humanitarian morals; it is wrong for the vulnerable to be regularly abused in a society which has the means to protect its citizens and enforce its laws. The article is more critical towards the lack of South African civil society than the government.

There have been pieces in the South African press with headlines that promise ‘national outrage’, which is the kind ofcoverage that is needed to mobilize public interest. However, the majority of these articles lacks any real evidence of such. A perfect example is a piece published on News24, entitled “Outrage Over Teen’s Gruesome Rape”. The headline grabs the reader’s attention and implies an actual public stand against violence. The first line provides a misleading and unsubstantiated hook, stating that the crime “has sparked a rare outburst of anger across the nation.” The rest of the content is simply a compilation of official statements released by various political actors, and there is no coverage of any real outrage or quotes on public opinion.

The structure of this article does not sufficiently cover the information needed (Nielson, 1997). The “five W’s and H” are not complete – the reader is not given information on when, where or why the murder took place. Also, some of the most relevant information is in the very bottom paragraph, citing useful suggestions made by government officials to put an end to the violent crimes – the opposite of an inverted pyramid.

Though the article quotes influential sources such as President Jacob Zuma, a spokesperson for the DA and The Progressive Women’s Movement of South Africa, this is nothing more than a collection of official press releases which have been copy-pasted into an otherwise recycled piece of journalism (Nielson, 1997), that even cites basic information from the Cape Argus.

The framing (Scheufele, 2000: 297-316) of this article revolves around a political ideology, concentrating more on the political actors’ obligatory statements rather than public representation. A positive element of this article is that it unintentionally highlights the embarrassingly quiet public response to the regular horrific crimes perpetrated in the country.

A third article provides some relief to the otherwise grim picture of South Africa’s reaction to Booysen’s murder. Varsity Newspaper released a piece entitled “UCT Says ‘Enough’ to Violence”, covering a cross-campus march of over three thousand students, professors and alumni.

The structure is excellent, covering all relevant information within the headline and lead, reflecting the inverted pyramid (Nielson, 1997) at its most precise. It is pleasing to see an article that adequately covers the public outrage over violent crime.

Its sources are reliable and relevant (Pape & Featherstone, 2005), directly and independently citing The President of the Student Representative Council, Vice Chancellor Max Price and, most importantly, members of the larger public. A comforting statement was made by SRC member Tarryn Naude: “I’d say a bit of student apathy died at the march.”

The target audience for this article is anybody who wishes to see real action against violent crime, and those who are following the story of Booisen’s murder. The article is framed around an intellectually-driven ideology (Scheufele, 2000: 297-316), stressing the importance of engaging in public debate over the issue of violence, mobilizing people to take a stand against violence, and educating the public on the importance of protest.

The lack of coverage on public outrage following Booysen’s gruesome murder illustrates how remarkably underwhelming the public response was compared to that of India. Sadly, South Africa’s numb attitude to these violent crimes, particularly to those perpetrated against women, reveals the difficulty that we will face in curbing them in the future. What disappoints me is the media’s lack of interest in encouraging further outrage and participation in protest, despite its powerful ability to shape public opinion (Pape & Featherstone, 2005). As the saying goes, with great power comes great responsibility, and I feel that our media industry needs to step up and encourage the public to take a stand and end this apathy.

The problem with South Africa’s negligent attitude towards the protection of its women ties in with my blog because it highlights the importance of taking a stand for yourself when your society fails to. We have the ability to be strong, independent women and under no circumstances can we allow ourselves to be mistreated. After a breakup, you owe it to yourself to hold your head up high and empower yourself with happiness and dignity, despite the pain your ex-partner has put you through.